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Finding the right words to connect to friends and family who are mourning is always tougher around the holidays. Most people have a genuine desire to help, but aren’t sure of what is helpful. It’s easy to feel awkward and uncomfortable about approaching the subject at all, and to give up contacting them until after the holidays. I’m here to tell you: don’t give up!
Don’t wait for the “perfect” time to call; the “perfect” card to sum up your feelings in a most clever way. Your message to them doesn’t have to be more than “I’m sitting in traffic while on my way to the grocery store and am thinking about you. Do you need me to pick anything up for you?” A simple call like this let’s the person know you care about them in their time of mourning, and opens the door for more meaningful connection.
The most common reason I hear for people shying away from reaching out is finding the right words to say without sounding trite or dismissive. While there are some better ways to word things, people in grief are looking to reconnect, get back to some sense of normalcy. They need their friends and family to help get them there. So, best bet is to be real with them. Don’t treat them like pariah.

Here’s a list of specific examples that can be used to open up a conversation*:
Instead of… “I’m sorry” (This can sound like you are apologizing instead of expressing sorrow.) Say… “I’m sad to hear that…”
Instead of… “I know how you feel.” (Even if you have experienced a loss or a difficult time, each person’s experience is unique.) Say… “If you want to talk about what happened, I’m here to listen.”
Instead of… “You shouldn’t feel that way.” (Feelings aren’t right or wrong and can’t be simply turned off.) Say… “I can sit with you even if you don’t feel like talking.”
Instead of… Clichés like “Time heals all wounds” or “You’ll be okay.” (These can seem like you are dismissing your friend’s feelings.) Say… “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you.”
Instead of… “It’s time to put it behind you.” (We grieve because we love, so grief becomes a lifelong journey.) Say… “I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here if you need a friend.”
In closing, don’t be afraid of the grief! This is an emotional time. Trying to stifle or evade an emotional onslaught (whether that be crying or laughing or feeling angry) will come off feeling crusty and fake. Investing time and energy into your friendships will be worth the momentary discomfort.
*compiled by Highmark Caring Place
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